Grateful...

Hey Bubsky (yeah, its a new one) -

Mommy did a great job catching you up on what all has been going on these last few weeks. I know she didn't cover all the stuff you have done in the last seven days but there are a few things that I think we need to discuss before we get into any recap from the week. Mommy and I try to keep everyone updated with the latest doctor's opinions and test results because we know how much everyone loves to hear about you and all the wonderful things you do. We have gotten away from part of the reason that I started writing this blog as we have attempted to keep up with everything in your busy life.

The truth is, just over eight months ago I sat down on the cold tile floor in the corner of your darkened hospital room and wrote you a letter to tell you about some of the things I was experiencing with you. That night I was terrified about a million things and I found myself floundering in my search for words to express the emotions of the days leading up to your miraculous appearance. The only way I was able to write down the thoughts I wanted to convey was to try and tell you what I was thinking and what I was feeling.

Those first months it became easy to put those emotions into your notes because your mommy and I weren't sure we would ever get the chance to tell you in person. We wrote out of love and out of fear, we told you the things we hoped and prayed we could one day tell you but needed to express to you no matter what. So many of those notes were written with tears on the keyboard as your mommy and I sat quietly in a room watching the monitors above your bed dictate our moods and our future with every tick. Every alarm brought on waves of uncontrollable nausea and a fear that our last note to you might have been the last one we got to write with you in the room. Those nights will forever shape me and the way I look at the people around me.

But as the days turned into weeks and the weeks into months it became easier to focus on the bigger updates, the doctor's visits, MRI's, procedures, and steps both forward and back. The fear had been lessened and we were able to breathe more easily knowing that reaper wasn't waiting behind each flashing alarm. We still told you the things we wanted to but we were able to interact with you, talk to you, even hold you. We could share our words and a our feelings without the keyboard or the blog. In those last weeks in the hospital we settled into a routine of updating you and your friends on the events of the week instead of telling you some of the things we want to tell you about the world around you.

So this week I am going to take a step backward and let some of that fear back in. I am going to tell you about the world around you, about the people, the places, the events, the emotions. This week we are going to go back to that dark night in the hospital room and talk like we did through the keyboard those first few weeks. Don't worry, I'll update you as we go, but this won't be a news report. I have had a lot of things building up in the back of my all too often cluttered mind and this week I am going to take the time to bring those things to the forefront so that time doesn't get away from us like it does more than I would care to admit.

The first thing I want to tell you is just how thankful your mommy and I are for all of the people who have come to our rescue in these last eight months. I have often sat and tried to think about all the people who have supported us in one way or another since you arrived, and even before then I suppose, and the list goes on and on and I lose track long before I can gain any ground. I have tried to break the list down into the different types of people, medical personnel, family, friends, neighbors. Then I tried breaking it down into the different places we get mail from, the people in Ohio, Texas, Kentucky, Kansas, even Puerto Rico. It didn't matter how I broke it down the list was too long. The number was to monstrous for me to manage.

So I am going to take a stab at some of the thank you's that I know we haven't been able to make yet, at least not in the way we wanted to. Thank you Megan (from the CICU) for being the one in the room to save Connor's life that first night. Thank you Jeff for driving all the way to Cincinnati to perform Connor's baptism and give us that peace heading into his heart surgery. Thank you Dr. Morales, Megan, and every one else in that operating room with you for sixteen hours. Thank you Rachel for making sure that Connor made it through those critical first 12 hours. Thank you Dr. Connor, Dr. Nelson, Dr. Marino, Dr. Illius, Dr. K (Catherine), Dr. Cooper, and the myriad of fellows (Ben, Ryan, Dave, Sam, and so so many more) and nurse practitioners (Mellissaa, Amy, Gabby, and all the rest) for everything you did to get our little man and his parents though all the months in the ICU. Thank you to all the nurses, RT's, PCA's, pharmacists, dietitians, PT's, OT's, speech therapists for spending all the time with us in his room and helping him grow stronger and get away from all those medications. Thank you to the staff of the TCC, your efforts and education made our transition home possible.

Thank you Heather, Angel, Phil, and every other family member we met in the CICU, without you we couldn't possibly have gotten here. Thank you to our parents (your grandparents) for being there when we needed you most. You have no doubt done a lot for us in our lives but this may have been our greatest time of need and you were there for us in every way all the time. Thank you to the rest of our family for standing strong with us and behind us as we have made this journey. Thank you for the prayers, the dinners, the gifts (Kim I still wear that bracelet every day, Leslie we have read and re-read the letters you sent, Marty your guardian angel has been watching over Connor since the day he received it) and the endless support. Thank you to our friends, the people who have been so patient with us as we have struggled through this seemingly endless maze of doctors and tests and the not knowing that comes before and after each. Thank you for still being there, thank you for taking us out for a beer when we need it, for bringing us a coffee maker when caffeine was the only thing keeping us alive, for an unexpected box full of outfits or burnt orange that brings us enough happiness and strength to go through another day.

I could do this all night and still not come close to saying thank you enough, but the red light is flashing and that means its time to wrap this up before they cut to commercial. Sorry I went crazy with my Oscar style thank you list but I just want all the people out there, everyone that has done so much as send us a positive though, to know how much they all mean to us and our little boy. Hopefully when you get older we can read through this note together and I can tell you about all the wonderful people who made your journey so far possible. People tell your mommy and I that you are a miracle baby. We tend to think that the miracles have been all around you to bring you here.

So lets take one more second here son, and say THANK YOU to everyone out there. We love you all.

And we love you most of all Connor.

 - Daddy