Mighty little lungs

Hi Connor,

Mommy just wanted to write you a quick note and let you know that I'm still here.  I know I haven't written a blog in a few days but as daddy so well described things have been a little crazy.  Mommy does pretty well dealing with most situations in life but the one thing she has a hard time with is the unknown.  Unfortunately that sums up the past few days so needless to say mommy has been a little frazzled.  I will be honest in saying that I got especially worried when we heard about the pesky bug that set up camp in you little lungs and knocked you down a few pegs.

I think it's been extra hard for mommy because I promised you that your nose surgery would be a "walk in the park" and I feel pretty badly that things have been more complicated.  Please don't be upset with mommy.  I have been blindsided by these past few days just like the doctors and we're all very sorry we misled you.  Luckily you are tough as nails and are already fighting through the bumps in the road to regain your ground.  Although you're still as red as a little tomato (the cutest tomato I've ever seen) it's obvious that you are feeling much better already.  Katherine smiled during rounds today and said the x-ray of your lungs looked "a million times better" with just one day of antibiotics.  She actually showed mommy the x-rays from yesterday compared to today and it's nothing short of a miracle.  Those tiny little lungs are pretty mighty.  You have been awake for hours on end and happy almost the entire time which has been a great gift to mommy and daddy.  Not to mention the fact that your monitors barely made a peep today which helps us all breath easier.

Now all we have to do is finishing healing up those little lungs and fine tune a few things in order to get that breathing tube out next week.  Hopefully as that infection clears up and the little tube in your nose comes out your redness will decide to take a hike too.  The past two days your room has been like an episode of one one of mommy and daddy's favorite shows, House.  Each doctor proposes a theory and then the other doctors pick it apart.  The doctor have even entertained several theories mommy and daddy have proposed but turns out we are not smarter than the doctors.  Mommy told the doctors it was a competition to figure out the cause and they have tried pretty hard to win but so far no luck.  Hopefully daddy is right and this is just a little trick you are playing on everyone.

You are sound asleep and daddy and I are going to watch a movie as we fall asleep too.  Thanks for another good day in this crazy journey we're on.  Thanks for your cute little red face and especially for those mighty little lungs of yours.  Keep healing and growing little buddy.

I love you Connor,
Mommy

Red man...

Connor,

So as you may have caught on from last night's note that the last few days have been another one of your roller coaster rides. You got mommy and daddy all worked up and excited and then you took our stomachs away from us when you dipped down again. People keep telling us that we should expect our time here to be filled with "one step forward, one step back" scenarios and they are certainly right about that. It seems like some days are two or three steps forward but they are usually followed by one or two steps in another direction (not always back but not forward either).

So as it turns out the little saying that the three of us have been clinging to for dear life these last several months is even more appropriate than we could have possibly imagined. "Holdin' On". That is what mommy and I have been saying to you and to each other since we had our first little scare with you months ago in Texas. We would ask you to hold on and then we would tell you that we were just "holdin' on" too. The days leading up to your birth and your big surgery we talked to you about God "holdin' on" too because we know he hasn't let you go since you first popped up on his radar.

But as the roller coaster has followed its tracks up and down and round and round these last few days we have had one somewhat consistent part of the ride. You are red. And I don't mean like a sun burn red, or pink like you just got a good scrub down, but red like you are mad at the world. If only the reason behind your new color was as easy as your temper though. Just like with everything else the whole hospital has been coming up with ideas about what could be causing it but each one gets shot down as quickly as it pops its head up.

So here we sit, you and I, and I am looking at your adorable little face and hoping that the redness will go away even though I know better. Your Pappaw was up here to see you today and he made a good point about it though, when we do figure out what is causing it we will all probably slap ourselves in the forehead and just say "DUH". Like most seemingly unanswerable riddles in life the simplest solution is most likely the one staring you in the face the entire time and is so obvious you miss it. Your mommy and I rack our brains every night (and most of the day too) thinking that suddenly a light bulb will appear over our head and the answer will come to us. But alas, no such luck.

However, before you get worried, the red tone of your skin doesn't seem to indicate any kind of discomfort or give you any grief at all. You have been awake and happy, sleeping and happy, even moving around a little bit (you may have made another mess in your bed today and required a blanket change) and happy. So we may not know what is causing it but at least at this point no one is worried that it is a bad sign for you or any of your little organs. Like I said, its probably something simple that we are all overlooking right now. I bet you know, and I bet you aren't telling.

I can't say I blame you, you have had so little control over things since you got here that you probably want to give us a little payback and watch us squirm for once. Lets just make a deal though, if it starts to get worse, or we get to the opportunity to get rid of that breathing tube, you will either let us know or make it go away. Sound like a plan? I won't tell anyone else that you are toying with them and you just wrap it up in time to make the tube go away. I'll take your slight head nod and pseudo-blink as a yes. My lips are sealed.

Now that we have that worked out I think mommy and I are going to go find some dinner for ourselves and let you take a nap. You have been awake a lot today and I know you have to be tired. So get some rest and don't forget our little plan. I'll talk to you again soon.

I love you Connor.

- Daddy

What doesn't kill you...

Connor,

Hey there little man. Today is starting to wind down and your mommy and I are hoping for a quiet night for you since you have had such a long couple days. I know we didn't talk about it much last night but you have been quite the stinker these last seventy-two hours. Did you notice I didn't open with "Buster..." though? Well this time it isn't from you being feisty or fussy or anything even remotely close to that. This time there is a good reason for it and it is something you can't do anything about.

You remember you had your little nose operated on just a few days ago, Tuesday actually, and you came through that with no problems what so ever. You did so well in fact that the doctors and nurses were amazed at your ability to bounce right back from such a surgery. Well that lasted about twelve hours. Sometime before lunch on Wednesday you started getting worked up, I don't remember what time it was but it was between our little concert and lunch time and you got yourself so worked up you needed some medicine to calm down. The nurses and I were able to get you back to sleep though, just barely.

So I asked a few more questions about Tuesday night and as it turns out the doctors did some trial runs with your ventilator to see if you were going to be able to breathe on your own come Wednesday. Those trials didn't go so well, you had to get some help to get through both of them and after the second one your numbers did some really weird things. So the doctors were a little worried at that point but they weren't sure what to worry about. By the time they came to you for rounds on Wednesday you had gone through your second blow up and they decided it was time to find out why they were worrying.

They started giving you some medicines and running a few tests but didn't want to stop your trials with the ventilator because you were still breathing a lot on your own. So around lunch time they started your third trial and you were kicking butt during that one. Mommy and I were starting to get excited about the fact that you might actually get to come off that vent soon and be done with that yucky tube. Those hopes were quickly dashed however, when you started to get upset and sent your heart rate half way to the moon right before you turned the color of a grape. Your mommy and I got pretty worried when we couldn't calm you down even a little bit so the nurses gave you some medicine and took some of your blood for some tests.

Then we really freaked out. Some of your numbers had gone up over six hundred percent, and unfortunately I"m not talking about the numbers that are supposed to be high. Nope, we want these numbers low and they were anything but low. So the next thing we knew there were nine people in your room (not counting you and I) and the workup had begun. Three of the attendings, two fellows, two nurse practitioners, a respiratory therapist, and your nurse were all talking about you and trying to figure out what was going on. You got an x-ray and an echo and all the royal treatment.

An hour or so later no one had any idea what was going on and the search for the culprit began. The doctors told mommy and I that they were worried because there were too many little things happening at the same time and no reason for any of them. Dr. Merino and Dr. Cooper took a special interest and told us they were going to figure it out but even with their two genius heads put together they couldn't come up with an answer. Dr. Morales came by and took a look and he too was perplexed. Everything looked like it should on your pictures but your numbers were telling a different story.

So mommy and I reluctantly left you to go to sleep last night and neither of us had much luck sleeping because we were worrying about something. The tough part was that we didn't know what that something would turn out to be. That makes for some strange dreams kiddo. I have never been so stressed by such a simple dream, nor have I been so unable to stop the same dream from coming back over and over and over but there it was, every time I closed my eyes. There was something trying to attack you and we couldn't tell what it was or figure out how to stop it.

When I came in to check on you today I found out that my dream was a little more ominous that I could have imagined. As luck would have it you somehow found a little bacteria while you were traveling around on Tuesday and that little bacteria made its way to your little lungs and set up a base camp. So the doctors had figured out what was going on and they were in full attack mode. They had a few more pictures taken of your insides to confirm what they thought and then they started putting you on full throttle healing mode. They turned your vent back up and changed your medicine and gave the nurses strict instructions to keep you from burning any excess calories until you kicked that little bacteria out of your lungs.

The good news is they know what you have and they feel VERY confident they can kick its butt in a few days. The bad news is you are going to need all your energy to keep fighting the bacteria so there will be no more ventilator trials until you are all healed up. So we will have to deal with that tube just a little longer my man. By the time your bacterial guests are gone the stint in your nose will be gone though, so you will be free and clear to jump right into breathing on your own. And you know what? I think once we get to that point you won't be able to be stopped.

Nothing the world has thrown at you so far has slowed you down much so one little bacteria isn't going to keep you from playing and crying and doing all those things you will be able to do without that tube. You have a strength inside you that everyone around you can see and feel and that strength is going to take you places that you can't even imagine. Not a day goes by that I don't look at you and think of all the things you have already been through in your little life and think about how strong you already are, and how strong you are going to be before this adventure is all wrapped up. Even though I wish with all my heart every day that I could take all this away for you so you wouldn't have to go through any of it I know that God has put these bumps in your path for a reason and that they will only make you stronger as you grow.

There is this saying, I'm sure you have heard me mention it already because you are living proof that it is more than a cliche... "what doesn't kill you makes you stronger". Every time I look at that pink line running down the middle of your tiny little chest I hear those words echoing around in my head and my heart. I think about how much strength it took for you to get through that and I know that just the fact that you are here today means there won't be much in this life that can stand in your way now. Several people have told mommy and I this but its time we tell you too, you are here for a reason and you are going to do some pretty special things little man.

Now you go get some rest and try not to burn any extra calories so you can get in some extra healing tonight. Sweet dreams son.

I love you Connor.

- Daddy

Friends...

Hey there tough guy,

Yep, I just called you tough guy, but I'll explain that in a bit. Sorry that neither mommy nor daddy wrote you a note yesterday, it wasn't anything personal I promise. It also wasn't that we weren't thinking about you, quite the contrary actually. Yesterday was supposed to be one of those "quiet" days we keep hearing about from other parents and the doctors. I'm beginning to think that those "quiet" days are something like the illusive hole in one in the great game of golf, you see them happen, you know people who have experienced them, but you never quite get to the point of being a part of one. So yeah, yesterday was anything but quiet.

That isn't to say that we didn't have our quiet times yesterday though, we sure did have some time that was kind of quiet. And I use the phrase "kind of" simply because even though you were quiet it wasn't exactly quiet in your room. You see, for the first time in quite a while you and your daddy had some quiet happy Connor time while you were awake. You weren't upset and you weren't fussing and you weren't even a little bit worked up so you and daddy listened to some of your favorite songs.

I know that children's songs are normally things like Twinkle, Twinkle, Little Star but since you seem to have a slight more mature taste in music we were listening to a playlist your daddy put together from songs that made him think of you in one way or another. Songs like Beautiful Boy, or I See Me, or one that means the world to your daddy and your Gigi, The Baby. We listened to those songs for more than an hour and believe it or not daddy actually sang most of them to you. Your face was so full of expression and curiosity and it filled me with so much happiness and peace that it was like the rest of the world didn't even exist that whole time.

I know they tell me that you technically can't be smiling just yet but you do this thing with your right eyebrow that shows me a kind of happy in you that we haven't seen much of just yet. And when the songs would change you would just look around like you were trying to ask "what happened to that one?". It sounds kind of silly for a grown man to get so excited about seeing a curious look cross the face of an infant when the chances of that face having anything to do with those songs is minuscule, but I smiled so much my face hurt. That was the best hour I have had in months I think. Thank you son.

But back to the tough guy part. You have had to have a lot of stuff done the last few days, and retaping that tube of yours has been a constant battle every day. Now you normally get some sort of sedative or at least some Tylenol or something when you have it done but tonight you faced it with no help at all. You were tough as nails and barely even raised your heart rate after all that. Daddy was pretty impressed, and so was everyone else in the room watching you. 

Now there is one more thing daddy wants to tell you about tonight before I get too tired and have to go lay down for some snooze time, and that is the power of a friend. You probably don't know it yet but you already have lots of friends from all over the place. Those friends would probably do anything in their power to help you out in a bind, especially if you asked them to. But you will find that it is the unexpected acts of kindness that will catch you off guard and leave you speechless. One of those moments happened for your daddy tonight. 

One of daddy's friends, a man by the name of Scuba actually, caught me off guard today. See daddy and Scuba have been friends for a long time now and we have known each other as acquaintances, teammates, coworkers, buddies, all kinds of things. We have been through some really good times and through some really really rough times and through it all we have remained friends. Scuba and daddy may not be the kind of friends that go back to grade school or even high school or college, and we probably aren't even the person that either of us would refer to as his "best friend". But we are the kind of friends that will do anything for one another, and Scuba proved that today.

Today we got a package in the mail, it was addressed to me but it was really for you, and it was from your friend Scuba. He hasn't had the chance to meet you yet but he went out of his way (really far out of his way since he lives an entire ocean away from here) to get you a really special present. I don't have a picture of it now because it is getting washed in preparation for Saturday but I promise I"ll get one on here soon. That present was a pair of Texas Longhorn booties (it still freaks me out to use that word just so you know) and a Texas Longhorn plush blanket. Scuba knows that is your daddy's favorite team and he wanted to show his support for you and your daddy (and mommy too) by getting you that present. 

Kind of like some of the other presents we have gotten, this one took your daddy's breath away. I was just talking about Scuba last night and mentioning that we hadn't talked in a while and then today his present to you showed up and reminded me that sometimes even when friends don't live close to you they are close to you in other ways. So lets join together and tell Scuba thank you Connor, for the great presents and for lifting your daddy's spirits when he really needed it. Thank you Scuba. 

Now your mommy and daddy are going to tell you goodnight and try to get settled in and hopefully you will do the same so you can get some good rest and get back to healing. Sweet dreams little man, think of happy things and your favorite songs. 

I love you Connor.

- Daddy

Connor for President...

Hello there Connor,

So today was another big day for you. Today you experienced (granted I am using that term as loosely as possible seeing as you spent ninety-five percent of today snoozing) your first election day with all its pomp and circumstance. You went on another field trip to meet some new doctors. And above all you are beginning to find out what it is like to have two fully functional nasal passages. Those last two were connected of course, but they were a really big deal.

So today started with you and daddy hanging out for a little while with your little eyes open wide. That didn't last too long but I sure did enjoy it a lot. Your face is becoming so expressive these days, and you might be getting that from your daddy and your Gigi. I swear when I look at you these days I can see happiness or curiosity or even frustration flashing across your face as you try to do things. I don't mean the usual fussy face or passive face that you have had for weeks now either, these are real deal emotions running across those eyebrows.

You see we have a hard time keeping our thoughts to ourselves because our faces are almost always tied directly to our brains. Its like we have strings that pull our eyebrows or our lips or our noses or all of those things into a very clear picture of what our brain is thinking. Sometimes this is a really great thing, like when Gigi and I are talking to each other and aren't sure what to say, but sometimes it is a REALLY bad thing, like when Gigi and/or I hear or see something we don't like much. Just ask Gigi what she thinks about mayonnaise or ask me sometime what I think about boiled eggs. You won't have to wait for the words to come out of our mouths to know exactly how we feel about it.

I promise this ties back to you son... you see since you soared through your surgery today with flying colors you are going to be getting rid of that yucky breathing tube in your mouth soon. But before I get too far ahead of myself let me tell you about what you had to go through today. The anesthesia team took you down to the operating room and gave you a little sleepy medicine so you could relax while the doctors did a little work. While you were sleeping they took at look at your airway and made sure everything was where it should be and working like it should and you passed that one with flying colors. Then, they had to go into your little nose and clean out a little bit of extra bone and tissue to make plenty of room for you to be able to breathe easily through your left nostril. Once that was done they put a little tube in there so you would heal correctly and voila, you were back to your room and waiting on mommy and daddy.

Now lets finish talking about that breathing tube you dislike so much. And, as I'm sure you have noticed, that also means you will be getting rid of a lot of tape and other sticky stuff that covers about fifty percent of your face. Then we are really going to see what kind of faces you make and what you are thinking about this world around you.

And do you know what else you are going to be able to do? You are going to be able to make noises for the first time. I never thought in a million years that I would be looking forward to hearing you cry but it must be year one million and one because I cannot wait to hear your little voice, even if it is just to cry and scream and fuss. Your mommy and I have heard you over and over in our dreams so when we finally get to hear you in real life its going to be a pretty amazing thing.

There is one more thing that your mommy and I are pretty excited about after this surgery today. Now that surgery is over and your tube is going to be coming out soon mommy and daddy are going to be able to hold you more and more. We should be able to pick you up and cuddle you and not have to worry about having a room full of people being in there to help us do it. WE CANNOT WAIT. I promise buddy, its going to be great.

So you have done a lot of work today, and as far as I'm concerned you are the hardest working (little) man in America so you today you earned my vote. Connor for President. We may have to wait a few years before you are technically "eligible" but I am guessing you can get a lot of votes with just your good looks and charisma. So sleep tight and dream big dreams son. Congratulations on another great day and doing such a great job.

I love you Connor.

- Daddy