What doesn't kill you...

Connor,

Hey there little man. Today is starting to wind down and your mommy and I are hoping for a quiet night for you since you have had such a long couple days. I know we didn't talk about it much last night but you have been quite the stinker these last seventy-two hours. Did you notice I didn't open with "Buster..." though? Well this time it isn't from you being feisty or fussy or anything even remotely close to that. This time there is a good reason for it and it is something you can't do anything about.

You remember you had your little nose operated on just a few days ago, Tuesday actually, and you came through that with no problems what so ever. You did so well in fact that the doctors and nurses were amazed at your ability to bounce right back from such a surgery. Well that lasted about twelve hours. Sometime before lunch on Wednesday you started getting worked up, I don't remember what time it was but it was between our little concert and lunch time and you got yourself so worked up you needed some medicine to calm down. The nurses and I were able to get you back to sleep though, just barely.

So I asked a few more questions about Tuesday night and as it turns out the doctors did some trial runs with your ventilator to see if you were going to be able to breathe on your own come Wednesday. Those trials didn't go so well, you had to get some help to get through both of them and after the second one your numbers did some really weird things. So the doctors were a little worried at that point but they weren't sure what to worry about. By the time they came to you for rounds on Wednesday you had gone through your second blow up and they decided it was time to find out why they were worrying.

They started giving you some medicines and running a few tests but didn't want to stop your trials with the ventilator because you were still breathing a lot on your own. So around lunch time they started your third trial and you were kicking butt during that one. Mommy and I were starting to get excited about the fact that you might actually get to come off that vent soon and be done with that yucky tube. Those hopes were quickly dashed however, when you started to get upset and sent your heart rate half way to the moon right before you turned the color of a grape. Your mommy and I got pretty worried when we couldn't calm you down even a little bit so the nurses gave you some medicine and took some of your blood for some tests.

Then we really freaked out. Some of your numbers had gone up over six hundred percent, and unfortunately I"m not talking about the numbers that are supposed to be high. Nope, we want these numbers low and they were anything but low. So the next thing we knew there were nine people in your room (not counting you and I) and the workup had begun. Three of the attendings, two fellows, two nurse practitioners, a respiratory therapist, and your nurse were all talking about you and trying to figure out what was going on. You got an x-ray and an echo and all the royal treatment.

An hour or so later no one had any idea what was going on and the search for the culprit began. The doctors told mommy and I that they were worried because there were too many little things happening at the same time and no reason for any of them. Dr. Merino and Dr. Cooper took a special interest and told us they were going to figure it out but even with their two genius heads put together they couldn't come up with an answer. Dr. Morales came by and took a look and he too was perplexed. Everything looked like it should on your pictures but your numbers were telling a different story.

So mommy and I reluctantly left you to go to sleep last night and neither of us had much luck sleeping because we were worrying about something. The tough part was that we didn't know what that something would turn out to be. That makes for some strange dreams kiddo. I have never been so stressed by such a simple dream, nor have I been so unable to stop the same dream from coming back over and over and over but there it was, every time I closed my eyes. There was something trying to attack you and we couldn't tell what it was or figure out how to stop it.

When I came in to check on you today I found out that my dream was a little more ominous that I could have imagined. As luck would have it you somehow found a little bacteria while you were traveling around on Tuesday and that little bacteria made its way to your little lungs and set up a base camp. So the doctors had figured out what was going on and they were in full attack mode. They had a few more pictures taken of your insides to confirm what they thought and then they started putting you on full throttle healing mode. They turned your vent back up and changed your medicine and gave the nurses strict instructions to keep you from burning any excess calories until you kicked that little bacteria out of your lungs.

The good news is they know what you have and they feel VERY confident they can kick its butt in a few days. The bad news is you are going to need all your energy to keep fighting the bacteria so there will be no more ventilator trials until you are all healed up. So we will have to deal with that tube just a little longer my man. By the time your bacterial guests are gone the stint in your nose will be gone though, so you will be free and clear to jump right into breathing on your own. And you know what? I think once we get to that point you won't be able to be stopped.

Nothing the world has thrown at you so far has slowed you down much so one little bacteria isn't going to keep you from playing and crying and doing all those things you will be able to do without that tube. You have a strength inside you that everyone around you can see and feel and that strength is going to take you places that you can't even imagine. Not a day goes by that I don't look at you and think of all the things you have already been through in your little life and think about how strong you already are, and how strong you are going to be before this adventure is all wrapped up. Even though I wish with all my heart every day that I could take all this away for you so you wouldn't have to go through any of it I know that God has put these bumps in your path for a reason and that they will only make you stronger as you grow.

There is this saying, I'm sure you have heard me mention it already because you are living proof that it is more than a cliche... "what doesn't kill you makes you stronger". Every time I look at that pink line running down the middle of your tiny little chest I hear those words echoing around in my head and my heart. I think about how much strength it took for you to get through that and I know that just the fact that you are here today means there won't be much in this life that can stand in your way now. Several people have told mommy and I this but its time we tell you too, you are here for a reason and you are going to do some pretty special things little man.

Now you go get some rest and try not to burn any extra calories so you can get in some extra healing tonight. Sweet dreams son.

I love you Connor.

- Daddy